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| That's me! Early Xix back in the day... |
Since our hostile takeover of Veridian Dynamics in January of 2010 the Feng Industries R&D team has really shown amazing initiative and creativity. We had a board meeting yesterday highlighting some of their ideas and efforts and I wanted to take a moment to share some of my favorite projects that are currently under funding. These are not the advanced weapons systems and tactical diplomacy products that you may be familiar with from Feng Industries (our bread and butter), but rather the side projects, nay, the personal projects that I am most excited about.
Sticky Weasel Bombs (TM) - SWB's are really just living grafts of tissue wrapped around a musculoskeletal core that contains a neurological processing unit, creating a furry ball of bitey mouths and claws. The hair shafts of which are coated with a patented Quantum Gription (TM) technology that allows the little devils to instantly adhere to any target that they might strike (while biting and clawing furiously). These were initially developed for my own personal enjoyment to be deployed against my neighbor Barry who mows the lawn in a speedo, but the military benefit is undeniable as well.
Incendiary Tomatos (TM) - Non-lethal flash bangs of tomatoey goodness. Designed to create a low density explosion whenever the skin is penetrated (ie upon cutting) coating the target area in a burny citrus based lycopene gel. Grown on a vine using cybernetically enhanced DNA they would look and smell just like a 'normal' tomato, and would primarily be used to create geographically targeted micro destabilization by randomly substituting this product with real tomatoes into grocery stores within specified neighborhoods. Again, NON LETHAL. We just want to scare the vegans, not kill them.
Frisbee of DOOM (TM) - This was another personal project of mine that was devised to clear a football sized area of annoying humans and small animals. Initially irritating swarms of Frat boys on a college campus, but expanded to include gangs of wheelchair thieves operating in certain areas and small packs of goth/emo teenagers. The basic premise is that when thrown the spinning frisbee generates an electromagnetic field that disrupts the flow of neurological impulses within the cerebral cortex of individuals that happen to be in the radial area of effect (about 250 feet) creating a feeling of creeping dread and doom. This can also be used in tandem with Feng Industries Glee Generators (TM) to move an entire population along a pre-defined path or into a designated target area.
Pocket Bose Enstein Condensate (TM) - Ah, the mighty PBEC! Upon activation this device creates a tiny sub universe in which tiny miniaturized rubidium* atoms are slowed using a reverse symmetry trap. This is useful for a number of things, like slowing down light (fun for parties), but the biggest advantage that it offers is generating macroscopic quantum phenomena. Phenomena like superconductivity. Seriously, a pocket superconductivity generator? Need I say more? Let's just consider the mayhemic possibilities for a moment. Sublime...
Eelmen/Pigeonmen (TM) - Flying, or swimming human animal hybrids. E-Men and P-Men are hybrids that exemplify the best traits of both hybridized species and none of the negative. Their skeletal and respiratory structures are modified and enhanced which allows them to operate in any environment (deep sea, outer space) and they can be genetically predisposed to receive instruction from only a single individual (me) which eliminates any embarrassing mutinous scenarios (I'm talking to you +michael pennick - very funny. I'm sending the deactivated chimps to your mother btw...). When not acting upon a received instruction set they will go into a photophobic dormant state, or return to base.
Hopefully, you are now just as excited about these projects as I am and will
Thanks for reading! :)
-Xix
* Can substitute sodium or helium atoms as needed
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