On Swordplay

This is me, teaching my
neighbor Barry a lesson...

People are always pestering me for advice about sword fighting so I thought I would compile some of the more common questions I've received for a simple primer on this fine, and deadly art. Please to enjoy the below:

Where did you learn how to sword fight?
From my sister. From the time I could walk until early adulthood her only goal in life was my aboslute destruction. Typically at the tip of a sword, but from a variety of other means as well. It was during this time that I was also able to build up my formidable resistance to poisons and various forms of electrocution.

Can a chainsaw be used as (or considered) a sword?
Absolutely - and it makes for an invigorating battle as well; however they are far more effective for thrusts. If used to parry they create quite a bit of rattle and chatter (called churn) against the opponents blade that make the weapon hard to control.

Do you like to sword fight with women?
No. I typically lose. Stop asking.

Is it easy to defeat a professional actor in a sword fight?
Yes, it's quite simple and most duels rarely last more than a few minutes. This actually occurs in the lobby of the Chateu Marmont more than you might imagine. Most actors are poorly trained and if you get in a tight spot you can just menace their face with your blade and they will back the fuck off. The exception to this of course are those actors (and actresses) with Shakespearean training. Most of them are quite bloody minded and seem to know what they are doing - this incorporates about 80% of the Brits. Of course the face rule applies here too, so still pretty easy.

What is the best type of sword to have in a sword fight? 
Well, that really depends on the fight doesn't it? If one is mounted (on a beast, like a horse or a dinosaur) I'm partial to a large two handed affair, like a claymore. It makes it easy to hit targets on the ground with some force and you can use that bad boy like a lance if need be. If one is unmounted and/or fighting a child, a broadsword is an excellent choice as it allows for the occasional close in work and can be hurled a respectably long distance when the opposition (inevitably - if a child) tries to run away. This technique is also highly effective against the French.

What is the best way to disarm an opponent in a sword fight?
With a gun of course. This is called the Indiana Jones opening.

Who was the best opponent that you've ever faced in a sword fight?
That would be my ex-wife. Her technique was far and above the most complex and deceptive I've ever seen, and in a pinch she could use her toungue just as effectively as any blade. I still shudder when I think of it.

What's the proper way to challenge someone to a duel of swords?
I'm not certain if there is a 'Proper' way. Personally I prefer the direct approach, like walking up to the individual and stabbing them in the leg. If they are armed, they will respond. This may not be an honorable approach, but swordfighting is a serious business, and it's far easier (and preferable) to face an opponent who is limping.

Is it possible to disable a motor vehicle using a sword?
Yes, through the front grill, but it requires a tremendous amount of strength and a modicum of bravado. If the vehicle happens to be moving at the time you'll also need excellent timing and the dexterity of a cat.

Do you really own a sword fighting Monkey?
Yes, a small army of them in fact. Glorious!

My son/daughter would like to learn how to sword fight. Can you recommend an instructor?
While they are neophytes and still young (and smallish) - YOU are really the best teacher. Just begin by chasing them around the house with kitchen knives. This is how I learned as a youngster, and in time they will acquire basic defensive techniques. As they become teenagers you will want to get them a proper instructor. I recommend The Portland Sword Fighting Academy in Oregon if you are on the west coast, and the Dover Delaware Dueling Society if on the east. Of course if you've been chasing them with knives since they were small children you will also want to pick up some defensive instruction for yourself as they are likely to harbor malice.

How many swords does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop?
This is a stupid question, but it gets asked all the time. One! One sword.