Yesterday +Michael Penick and I were discussing the very real scatological threat posed by city birds, and it quickly became apparent that something far more sinister was at work than just a bunch of inconsiderate flying rats. They couldn't possibly be acting alone.

To that end:
At 2300 Zulu yesterday a small team was dispatched from our headquarters in Nepal to New York City. Their mission was to capture as many birds as possible and return them for interrogation. This crack unit successfully detained and exfiltrated 73 live pigeons, and one who died on the table. Apparently the birds fought like champions, but of course we overcame them with superior intellect, technology, and insightful strategy.

At this very moment we are placing them in the modified surgical interrogation rigs that were previously used for the koalas (the cutest infestation ever!) and are calculating the appropriate anesthetic doses.

The basic plan involves using Directed Quantum Therapy to change the harmonics on 3 of the dimensional strings at the center of each atom in their little bird bodies. This will allow them to process information like a human. At this stage they will be taught simple linguistics (think esperanto for first graders) and subsequently questioned.

Hopefully we'll be able to get to the bottom of this and rid ourselves, and the pigeons, of whatever dark force holds them in thrall and makes them act like total jerks. I suspect they don't like it any more than we do.

Of course any bird who chooses to cooperate will be given their choice of freedom or minion (to be sent to +Colin McK to reinforce his homicidal librarian - who hopefully hasn't gone rogue or been destroyed). Any bird who chooses not to cooperate ... well ... the term surgical interrogation rig does have a rather specific meaning...

When it comes to the problem with pigeons, the beak is stopping here.