Trolling the Trolls

Tact comes later ...

"This is a fake dead cat. I asked for a fake live cat.

A fake live cat opens it's eyes and purrs when you pet it and stuff. This one doesn't do any of that. Just dead cat stuff.

Lying there and being stupid."

-The most adorable little girl in the world circa 2003 after receiving a lovely stuffed animal as a gift. Age 5.

Frankie Say

Yesterday I had to clean out a can in the kitchen so I banged it against the sink a couple of times. The dogs heard this and immediately thought someone was knocking at the front door so they freaked out, charging around and barking their heads off. So I did it like 10 more times, even louder - and the dogs absolutely lost their minds! Barking and howling and leaping at the windows like maniacs.

Bang bang bang! - 10 more times really loud!

At this point the kids (hiding upstairs in typical fashion) apparently lost their minds too, and they came storming out of their lairs *yelling their heads off about all the noise.

But here's the thing: with the dogs barking, and the kids yelling, it was a moment of true bliss for me - and when the dogs, whipped into a unrepentant frenzy by the kids shouting at them to stop, began a multi room dog on dog gladiator battle that devoured all standing before it (furniture and curtains mostly, maybe a foolish cat) I knew that I had found my new moment in time, my new happy daddy place. :)

Bang bang bang! - 10 more times really loud!

‪#‎fatherhood‬

*Ironic, no? Teens are like that.

Knock it off!

When Bono told Tim Cook "We are the blood in your machines." I seriously threw up a little bit in my mouth - is it just me or is the corporate love in this society getting just a little bit creepy? I didn't really have a problem with either dude before that happened, but this demonstrates a Scientology level of devotion: conspicuous consumption as religion.

Gross.

Now I enjoy watching the unwashed masses fall upon each other as much as any other despot, but seriously, this whole apple vs android, ps4 vs xbox, panda vs koala (you name it) nonsense is beginning to try even my super human nerves - and don't even get me started on the horrifying psychology of defining one's self worth through brand alliance...

Good lord humans, chill the fuck out - you're embarrassing EVERYONE.

The more things change, the more they stay the same...

What the hell, copilot?

I had to change the voice on my GPS from female to male because, at least when I was driving, it was like I never even got divorced.

Adventures in Online Dating - Dos Equis Version

No, she never wrote back. I have NO IDEA WHY.

WTF Haiku

My neighbor Barry

Has a dumb kid named Curtis.

It takes a village.

Wisdom of the Homeless #16 - Get Over It

"Nah man, she ghosted you. Don't fuck with that shit bro."

"Ghosted me? What does that mean?"

"Nah, nah man, you know. Disappeared on your ass."

"Yeah okay... "

"Ok, so what you say - at first everything goin good right? Yeah?"

"Yeah... "

"She get you in a a little close right?  Then you set a date... "

"Yeah... "

"Then right before the date she cancel,  and you ain't hear from her since, that right? "

"That's exactly right. "

"See, she ghosted your ass, cause she a ghost. If she didn't like you she just wouldn't set a date - so she playin. She a ghost."

"Ok...  So... "

"Man, you stupid. You don't fuck with that shit bro! Ok? You and me don't mind a little bit of a chase as long as catching is involved - but a ghost, they don't see it like that. Ghost? It's all about chase. No catchin."

"Ghost no catch."

"That's right! Ghost no catch. You getting it my man. Sometimes they make a mistake, and you get a little too close, and then they gone for days. And that's how you know they a ghost."

"Huh."

"So just stay way from that shit. Times in life all you have is your dignity, and if you hand that shit off to a ghost it won't be there when you need it."

"Well, it's not like she's a bad person or anything."

"Nah man, she not - her feet is cold. You want warm feet."

"Warm feet. Makes sense to me."

"See bro, it's like playing tag - if one person always 'it' - by the end they just tired and pissed off. Two gotta share that shit." Finger stab. "You got a cigarette? I'll pay you a quarter for one..."

Stuff I have to remember to tell my kids #873

Beware the relationship built on a gradual loss of skepticism. Cherish the relationship built on a growing sense of wonder.

Sure, it's cheesy, but kids are dumb.

On Fine Audio - The Basement is the Ultimate Solution

A short time ago I faced a good problem to have. I needed a place for 7 monoblock power amplifiers for my home theater system, and there was no way they would fit in the cabinet space that was available. Not to mention all of the wiring and the heat issues that are associated with a cabinet installation.

Our primary listening space is the living room, and I've always preferred to keep the gear as tucked away and out of sight as possible. Not only for the WAF factor, but in general - even though I really like to look at the gear  - I prefer a clean, nearly invisible installation. Which is why most of the gear up until this point has been in a closed, ventilated wardrobe cabinet thingy placed to the side of the room, and it was too small for all of the incoming amplification.

  Source cabinet today. Notice
       how empty and clean it looks?     

I had pretty much resigned myself to heavily modifying the existing cabinet with a reciprocating saw and suffering through the heat issues with extra cabinet fans, when I came upon a solution that was so obvious and so simple, that I kicked myself for not thinking of it 20 years ago when I moved into this house. In order to keep wires out of the way in the media room I have drilled holes in the floor near the back wall to run cables from the AVR into the floor and through the basement to the various speakers on the floor above. I was rerouting some wire one day and it hit me that I could easily just put the amplifiers down here in the basement, just below all of the gear and the main speakers on the first floor (all of the speaker wire runs were already routed through that very spot). Holy cow - and the more I thought about it the advantages just kept becoming more and more abundant. So I did it - I currently have an H/T AVR running as pre/pro, 5 little monos running the surround speaks, and 2 Odyssey monos driving the mains.

Ok, so my install may look a little crappy, but it's a 100% functional installation.
The Best Sound Possible being the goal.

If you are in a postition to 'disappear' your big hardware like this I highly recommend it as an overall system tweak because the performance gains that can be had by doing so are huge (not to mention the practical gains), and here's why:

              A hi-fi bomb shelter              

• Complete Sonic Isolation - Currently all of the amplifiers are sitting 1 floor below the speakers in the living room. Placed on a rack that is sitting on a thick slab of cement poured over the hard earth. Two feet from thick cement walls. Even when driving the system upstairs to insane levels not even the most persistant vibrations make it downstairs to the amps - sonically the presentation area is absolutely invisible to the amplification gear. It's like a little bomb shelter for the amps.
  
  Tweak Savings Value: $ $100 - $1000 Isolation products are moderately pricey, and this solution can eliminate their necessity. Also, you don't need an expensive sound isolating stand either - any shelving or stand system that meets the basic requirement of rasing the gear some distance above the floor works perfectly. Currently I'm using metal kitchen racks. This isn't a permanent solution - I plan to build some wood racks shortly, but they won't be pretty, or crafted to insane levels of rigidity - because they don't need to be. Cash in the pocket baby.

• Proximity of Amps to Speakers - The amps that power the front mains are sitting just underneath the floor from the speakers they are driving. There is one meter of cable running from the pre/pro to the amp, and one meter of cable running from the amp to the speaker. Toss in another .5 meter of wiring inside the amp and that means that there is only about 2.5 meters of wire in between the pre/pro and the speaker upstairs. Seriously, how cool is that?
  
  Tweak Savings Value: $$$ $100 - $5000+ Cable can be expensive, so short cable runs are cheaper - a few hundred dollars can buy a lot more 'quality' if you only have to buy a small amount. Not only that, but shorter cable runs should lead to better sound. I think.

This ordered chaos? Invisible...

• Wife Acceptance Factor - Wow, what can I say about this. Hidden in the basement (literally) your equipment is absolutely, and pretty much completely invisible to spousal inspection and appraisal. I'm not married anymore, but I was married for 17 years and I know exactly how this works. Additionally, if your basement is unfinished (like mine) you can also strategically stack boxes around the equipment rack to discourage inspection even further. The SO will have no idea what's down there so it doesn't matter how ugly it is, and you can swap stuff in and out of your system with impunity and they will never know.
  
  Tweak Savings Value: $$$$ - Friggin priceless dude. How much would you pay for complete freedom to have any hardware you could afford?

• Ambient Operating Temperature - Not only is the ambient temperature in the basement easily 10 degrees lower than the living room at any given time, but since there are no visual or spatial requirements governing the placement of the amps you can pretty much set them out however you like. I've currently got mine on those steel wire kitchen rack things with plenty of space around every amp, and because the shelves are made of wire the air flows completely around every piece - all the time. There are no solid surfaces above, below or to the sides of them. Just sweet, cool air.

        Chillin like a Villain - and who can blame him?       

Tweak Saving Value: $ $50-$500+ Fans are kind of cheap - but a good, well ventilated and LARGE (remember we're talking 7 amps and a pre/pro here) equipment rack could set you back. Not to mention peace of mind as there is no maintenance required - shit just stays cool naturally.

• Placement/Maintenance - Kind of a side bonus really, but the amp rack in my basement is 2 feet from the wall. I can walk around back there. I have a nice bright lamp back there. It's a snap to easily read any plug label on the back of any piece of gear - so plugging, unplugging, and swapping gear is sinfully easy. Crawling, craning, and crying over pinched knuckles are no longer required to complete basic wiring tasks.

I can't bear to think how awesome my system would be by now if I would have thought of this years ago, but I can say how much better my system sounds since I did this. At the end of the day it's a very simple and obvious change, and while not applicable for all, it might be applicable for some - and the rewards are well worth it.

Also, I acknowledge that this is about as cheesy as it gets.

Freestyle Knock Knocking

It beckons...

This is my neighbor's dog Austin*. He says this is Jesus, on account of the white robe, but I say that it's Charles Manson, on account of I know Austin.

*This is NOT my neighbor's dog Austin - it's a random pic from the web.

Click

"Yeah, so basically I can't get any women to write back." Sad face.

"Ok, that should be no problem. Let's take a look at the last few emails you've sent. I'll open this first one."

Click.

"Let's see. It says, and I quote 'I trust the baby Jesus was somehow involved'. Nothing else - I don't get it." Baffled.

"Well see, in her description it said that she was working at a restaurant full time, and that she was a full time manger - see she misspelled manager -"

"I get it."

"So I thought that would be kind of funny..." Hmmm "To uh, you know..."

"Yes I see. Look, she's only 19! You're in your 40's!"

"Yeah..."

Click.

"And it says that she only wants to meet men no older than 23 - so basically you are just going around being mean to little girls?"

"Well..."

"Who can't spell. Is that right?"

"I think you picked kind of a bad example. What's that next one down?"

"The one to FairMerLady36?"

"Yeah, that's a good one I think."

Click

"Ok, I'm looking at this - sir, this message is 6 paragraphs long."

"That's bad?" Silence. 2 beats.

"I don't think we can help you today Mr. Feng. Goodbye."

Click.

Moreau Unbehooved

The cats and dogs here at Feng Manor have begun playing a game together (oddly enough) that they call "Villain Babies". I've only seen them play once, and I haven't quite figured it out yet, but they talk about it constantly. Also, they have these weird little scorecards scattered around the house, and I swear, they are marked in blood.

Pray for me.

The Perils of Work and Haiku

Expecting a snowstorm I wanted to compose a little haiku to send to my co-workers (adorable!) informing them that I would be working from home the next day. This is where I encountered a problem. Haiku should be freeform and off the cuff (raw you know?) which is pretty much antithetical to standard corporate communication protocols - hence; conundrum.

I first wrote:

Anticipating
snow. I will work from home. 
I will be naked.

But upon reflection I realized that really wouldn't fly. See, they drill it into your head that if you aren't sure you should say something in an email, you should imagine saying it to your grandma. How would she react? For me grandmas and nudity go together about as well as jellyfish and staple guns. Not to mention the chances are high that some idiot (Angela) would complain to HR about it and we'd have to go through all that stupid, stupid stuff again.

So I changed it to:

Anticipating
snow. I will work from home. 
In my underwear.

But my inner Grandma just cried out "Nope!" and I was left with nothing. Everything I tried to write just sounded contrite at first, then scary (chainsaws), and ultimately just kind of bland.

I finally ended up sending the following:

Anticipating
snow. I will work from home. 
VPNWIFI.

Spitting out the last 5 syllables quickly, in a hurry to be done with the thing.

Not sad. Just different I guess.

It's the Little Things That Can Count...

• Spiders can count. I've heard them. Counting.
• My sister's toddler can count.
• This dude:
  

  

  
  His name is Socks.
  He can't actually count...

  
  

• The Counting Dime. If you toss it in with other coins it will tell you how many there are, and the total value. Also counts rice grains.
• Dwarves. Not a judgement.
• Pedometers
• Echidna - no explanation required.
• Chimps. 
• Homunculi. But not the cheap ones made from dung.
• Justin Beiber. Only up to six.

Zen Byte

Toying with Minors #23

Last night I got into an argument with my teenage daughter. When I went up to her room later to apologize I was carrying an empty Mountain Dew bottle that I intended to throw away. She took an immediate dislike to this bottle.

"Why do you have that bottle?!"

"Honey, I'm sorry I lost my temper."

"Don't leave that bottle in my room."

"I won't. I just wanted to let you know that I love you."

"Fine. Take the bottle with you when you leave."

"I will, it's just -"

"I don't want you to leave that bottle in here!"

Properly chastened, I withdrew from her chambers, clutching the offending bottle in my hands.

Early this morning when I went to kiss her goodbye before work she was still asleep, so I slipped the empty Mountain Dew bottle underneath her pillow.

She still hasn't returned any of my phone calls... :(

10 things I'd like to do with a potato before I die

• Menace hand maidens.
• Wear it as a merkin.
• Chuck it at my neighbor Barry's head (really hard).
• Hide it under the seat cushion of my mom's favorite chair.
• Carve it into the shape of a lamb and hide it in my sock drawer.
• Toss it 5 feet into the air and using the power of my mind make it float there. 
• Balance it on my head for one hour (without dropping it).
• Mount it to a church door using a large hunting knife.
• Wrap it in tinfoil and use it as currency in Burkina Faso.
• Cradle it lovingly for 30 minutes every night for a week.

Someone endorsed me this morning on LinkedIn for 'Hand Yammering'. WTH?! #handyammering #linkedin

Feng Industries R&D Blotter

That's me! Early Xix back in the day...

Since our hostile takeover of Veridian Dynamics in January of 2010 the Feng Industries R&D team has really shown amazing initiative and creativity. We had a board meeting yesterday highlighting some of their ideas and efforts and I wanted to take a moment to share some of my favorite projects that are currently under funding. These are not the advanced weapons systems and tactical diplomacy products that you may be familiar with from Feng Industries (our bread and butter), but rather the side projects, nay, the personal projects that I am most excited about.

Sticky Weasel Bombs (TM) - SWB's are really just living grafts of tissue wrapped around a musculoskeletal core that contains a neurological processing unit, creating a furry ball of bitey mouths and claws. The hair shafts of which are coated with a patented Quantum Gription (TM) technology that allows the little devils to instantly adhere to any target that they might strike (while biting and clawing furiously). These were initially developed for my own personal enjoyment to be deployed against my neighbor Barry who mows the lawn in a speedo, but the military benefit is undeniable as well.

Incendiary Tomatos (TM) - Non-lethal flash bangs of tomatoey goodness. Designed to create a low density explosion whenever the skin is penetrated (ie upon cutting) coating the target area in a burny citrus based lycopene gel. Grown on a vine using cybernetically enhanced DNA they would look and smell just like a 'normal' tomato, and would primarily be used to create geographically targeted micro destabilization by randomly substituting this product with real tomatoes into grocery stores within specified neighborhoods. Again, NON LETHAL. We just want to scare the vegans, not kill them.

Frisbee of DOOM (TM) - This was another personal project of mine that was devised to clear a football sized area of annoying humans and small animals. Initially irritating swarms of Frat boys on a college campus, but expanded to include gangs of wheelchair thieves operating in certain areas and small packs of goth/emo teenagers. The basic premise is that when thrown the spinning frisbee generates an electromagnetic field that disrupts the flow of neurological impulses within the cerebral cortex of individuals that happen to be in the radial area of effect (about 250 feet) creating a feeling of creeping dread and doom. This can also be used in tandem with Feng Industries Glee Generators (TM) to move an entire population along a pre-defined path or into a designated target area.

Pocket Bose Enstein Condensate (TM) - Ah, the mighty PBEC! Upon activation this device creates a tiny sub universe in which tiny miniaturized rubidium* atoms are slowed using a reverse symmetry trap. This is useful for a number of things, like slowing down light (fun for parties), but the biggest advantage that it offers is generating macroscopic quantum phenomena. Phenomena like superconductivity. Seriously, a pocket superconductivity generator? Need I say more? Let's just consider the mayhemic possibilities for a moment. Sublime...

Eelmen/Pigeonmen (TM) - Flying, or swimming human animal hybrids. E-Men and P-Men are hybrids that exemplify the best traits of both hybridized species and none of the negative. Their skeletal and respiratory structures are modified and enhanced which allows them to operate in any environment (deep sea, outer space) and they can be genetically predisposed to receive instruction from only a single individual (me) which eliminates any embarrassing mutinous scenarios (I'm talking to you +michael pennick - very funny. I'm sending the deactivated chimps to your mother btw...). When not acting upon a received instruction set they will go into a photophobic dormant state, or return to base.

Hopefully, you are now just as excited about these projects as I am and will submit comply willingly when House of Feng descends upon your town or city in order to subjugate the population.

Thanks for reading! :)
-Xix

* Can substitute sodium or helium atoms as needed

On Swordplay

This is me, teaching my
neighbor Barry a lesson...

People are always pestering me for advice about sword fighting so I thought I would compile some of the more common questions I've received for a simple primer on this fine, and deadly art. Please to enjoy the below:

Where did you learn how to sword fight?
From my sister. From the time I could walk until early adulthood her only goal in life was my aboslute destruction. Typically at the tip of a sword, but from a variety of other means as well. It was during this time that I was also able to build up my formidable resistance to poisons and various forms of electrocution.

Can a chainsaw be used as (or considered) a sword?
Absolutely - and it makes for an invigorating battle as well; however they are far more effective for thrusts. If used to parry they create quite a bit of rattle and chatter (called churn) against the opponents blade that make the weapon hard to control.

Do you like to sword fight with women?
No. I typically lose. Stop asking.

Is it easy to defeat a professional actor in a sword fight?
Yes, it's quite simple and most duels rarely last more than a few minutes. This actually occurs in the lobby of the Chateu Marmont more than you might imagine. Most actors are poorly trained and if you get in a tight spot you can just menace their face with your blade and they will back the fuck off. The exception to this of course are those actors (and actresses) with Shakespearean training. Most of them are quite bloody minded and seem to know what they are doing - this incorporates about 80% of the Brits. Of course the face rule applies here too, so still pretty easy.

What is the best type of sword to have in a sword fight? 
Well, that really depends on the fight doesn't it? If one is mounted (on a beast, like a horse or a dinosaur) I'm partial to a large two handed affair, like a claymore. It makes it easy to hit targets on the ground with some force and you can use that bad boy like a lance if need be. If one is unmounted and/or fighting a child, a broadsword is an excellent choice as it allows for the occasional close in work and can be hurled a respectably long distance when the opposition (inevitably - if a child) tries to run away. This technique is also highly effective against the French.

What is the best way to disarm an opponent in a sword fight?
With a gun of course. This is called the Indiana Jones opening.

Who was the best opponent that you've ever faced in a sword fight?
That would be my ex-wife. Her technique was far and above the most complex and deceptive I've ever seen, and in a pinch she could use her toungue just as effectively as any blade. I still shudder when I think of it.

What's the proper way to challenge someone to a duel of swords?
I'm not certain if there is a 'Proper' way. Personally I prefer the direct approach, like walking up to the individual and stabbing them in the leg. If they are armed, they will respond. This may not be an honorable approach, but swordfighting is a serious business, and it's far easier (and preferable) to face an opponent who is limping.

Is it possible to disable a motor vehicle using a sword?
Yes, through the front grill, but it requires a tremendous amount of strength and a modicum of bravado. If the vehicle happens to be moving at the time you'll also need excellent timing and the dexterity of a cat.

Do you really own a sword fighting Monkey?
Yes, a small army of them in fact. Glorious!

My son/daughter would like to learn how to sword fight. Can you recommend an instructor?
While they are neophytes and still young (and smallish) - YOU are really the best teacher. Just begin by chasing them around the house with kitchen knives. This is how I learned as a youngster, and in time they will acquire basic defensive techniques. As they become teenagers you will want to get them a proper instructor. I recommend The Portland Sword Fighting Academy in Oregon if you are on the west coast, and the Dover Delaware Dueling Society if on the east. Of course if you've been chasing them with knives since they were small children you will also want to pick up some defensive instruction for yourself as they are likely to harbor malice.

How many swords does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop?
This is a stupid question, but it gets asked all the time. One! One sword.

Pantyhose and Alchemy

This is not Joey, but it could be...

When I was a kid (in the 70's) I had an uncle named Joey that could make gold from old pantyhose. I always kind of figured he had something going on the side, because he didn't work but had a really nice stereo, sharp duds, and traveled constantly.

I wheedled his secret out of him one night when I was 10 years old and he was drunk. I kept bugging him about where his money came from, and I guess he got tired of it. He told me that he got old support pantyhose (support hose worked best he said) from my grandma, and could get about an ounce of gold from 6 pairs. I was totally amazed and wanted to know more but he got all quiet and shifty eyed when my dad came in the room (my father's terrible sense of timing has plagued me my entire life).

A couple of years later we were at his mansion for a visit when I caught my grandma slipping him a paper grocery bag in the kitchen - I could see that it was full of pantyhose. They both jumped when I came around the corner but Joey tells her it's OK. Just then my dad sneezes in the hallway so Joey grabs me and the bag and hustles us out of the sliding glass doors into the backyard.

He had an old shed out there with a padlock on the door and this is where he kept what he called 'The Goose'. It sat on an old workbench in the shed and looked like an old beat up mini fridge with a red funnel sticking out of the top. He tugged the door open and I saw a smallish metal basket resting inside. Grinning, Joey stuffed the pantyhose from the paper bag into this basket. Then he closed the door, latched it, and picked up a gas can from the floor.

"The secret is the kerosene." He sagely informed me, and tipped the can, pouring the clear liquid into the red funnel on The Goose. One of my clearest childhood memories is of that moment - the smell of the kerosene, Joey's striped bell bottoms and gold chain, and that bright red funnel. Oh that funnel!

Then he set the can down, reached around the back of the device, and flipped a switch. The Goose started to quietly hum. I was enthralled.

"That's it for now." he said "We have to wait a couple of weeks for it to finish."

"Wow" I said.

"Don't tell your fucking dad." He added, jabbing a finger at me.

Then we left the shed and he padlocked the door behind us. I never saw the finished product as Uncle Joey died exactly one week later driving my grandma's corvette. She got a new one (a new corvette that is, not a new uncle Joey) so I always figured that she got the machine after that, and I NEVER told my dad.

I'm relaying all this now because my grandmother passed away last month (It was extremely sad - she will be missed), and from her will I received a single large cardboard box. Can you guess what was in it? Yep! The Goose! Yay! After all these years.

I managed to finagle some old pantyhose from my sister in law (boy was that an awkward conversation) for the promise of a corvette sometime in future, and I started a batch last night. The Goose is here beside me now, humming quietly, and I'm here beside myself also - waiting for the two weeks to be up.

Anticipation is a bitter mistress indeed...

Arguing With Fish

Sometimes when you argue with a fish superior logic is insufficient, so you'll need a good singing voice too...

Fistal Cliff -or- Monday Morning

This morning riding into the office on my longboard I totally took a digger. I had a good speed cruising down the sidewalk when I hit one of those invisible cliffs hidden in the cobblestone sidewalk in front of the Starbucks at 18th and California (across from the Marriott). The board stopped dead at the cliff's intrusion and my body kept going at speed. Fortunately my training kicked in and I did a fancy roll, bounce, body slide thing across the pavement. I wasn't hurt but my briefcase went flying and lost one of it's little legs on impact(see pic). :( The board itself reversed course and went shooting backwards into the street where I narrowly rescued it (after picking myself up) from being run over by a big truck; at no small risk to life and limb.

But here's the deal - there was a lady walking down the street at the time and as I was falling, scraping and tumbling I could hear her exclaiming "Oh hey - wow!" and whatnot, and as I recovered myself in time to see the errant board breaking for freedom she says

"I hate it when that happens!" and then she just kept on going. Just kept on walking. Not that I expected anything from her because hey, that's life in the big city right? 

But friends, if you ever find yourself as a witness to a spectacular fail involving, flesh, pavement and wheeled conveyance do the humane thing. Don't JUST be a smart ass (a little smart assery is perfectly acceptable). Ask if everyone is ok. If you're feeling particularly jaunty maybe help a dude and chase the board as it rolls away - into the street full of traffic - or at least pretend to. Sometimes it's the little things you know? After all, it WAS Monday morning.

If I see that chick again on the street I'm going to growl at her.

Truly sublime from a simpler time

"When all is said and done, it makes good toast!" :D

The modern day sisyphus pushes a pencil

The modern day sisyphus pushes a pencil instead of a giant rock. Which is cool I guess except that pushing a pencil makes you fat, and pushing a rock makes you all buff.

Halloween 2012

Background Music

Given that last year on Halloween I feigned madness I decided this year to embrace it. It was either that or provide a double tap to my own skull (hey, don't knock trepanation until you've tried it) and since there are too many people that need me to pay their bills I'm forced to keep the mortal coil unshuffled as it were. 

So once again as darkness fell I donned my traditional garb, turned on the porch light, and sat down in the entry to wait. 

It didn't take long. When the bell rang I threw open the door and before the assembled fiends could say anything I shouted

"Knock! Knock!" leering, as they collectively stepped backwards - taking it all in - the underwear, the tattered bathrobe, the clenched fists. 

The spittle.

"KNOCK! KNOCK!"

Given that American children are remarkably well trained in this particular form of challenge/response the greedy charlatans quickly overcame their discomfort and shouted back

"Who's there?" Hopeful. Tentative.

"Aha!" I cried. Accusing. Stabbing a quivering and gnarled index finger at the sky and making them jump.

"WRONG ANSWER!" and then I would slam the door and snap off the light. 

I did this routine for about an hour, and it was quite satisfying as you might imagine, but the little devils just kept coming and I grew weary. I had to do something different, and in a move surprising to myself I began to behave in a very unexpected manner.

Instead of providing a baffling and moderately depraved glimpse into the horror and depth of the human condition I decided to just go along to get along. As the screechy little monsters called out "Trick or Treat!" I would coo over them, offering them candy and traditional platitudes like I've seen other adults do on TV. 

"Oh what a cute little witch!" I would say throwing freshly wrapped little candies into their outstretched hands, and "Oh my, how adorable, what are you supposed to be little friend?" 

As their cheerful little upturned faces lit up with gratitude and pleasure I found that I was quite enjoying myself...

It's over now; they've all gone home. But I'm all conflicted and stuff. Where's the joy? The terror? 

What is to become of me?

Mordor by Doorway

Nerd 101*

Source: http://marylikesbirds.tumblr.com/post/30193072466/ahaha-my-college-is-great

My Weird Kid #18

This here is my boy:

Axl Rose

Tonight I learned that if you are in a restaurant and some random dude stands up and starts yelling

"You're crazy! YOU'RE ALL CRAZY!!!" 

What he really means is that HE'S crazy, and if you throw your dinner roll at him because he puts his hand in your salad that's OK.

The most magnificent creature: Part 4

Part 5. The End.

The most magnificent creature: Part 3

Part 4

The most magnificent creature: Part 2

Part 3

The most magnificent creature: Part 1

Correspondence

If you haven't read the post containing her profile, you should read that first. This will make more sense... -6

Continue to Part 2
Back to Dating Profile

The most magnificent creature in all the land: RealUglyGirl

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/ReallyUglyGirl

Continue to Correspondance

Postcards From the Edge Meet Abbott and Costello

Postcards From the Edge From Outer Space

Revenge of Postcards From the Edge

Return of Postcards From the Edge

Bride of Postcards From the Edge

Son of Postcards From the Edge

Postcards from the edge II

Postcards from the edge

Headshot Anyone? Some online dating metaphors

Online dating is like trying to meet a girlfriend on the subway. There are a million strangers rushing past, and you've only got 6 seconds to sell yourself to any one of them.

OKCupid is like a small dinner party among strangers. There are a good variety of people, but most of them are 20 somethings looking for a hookup and 30 something never-been-marrieds looking for someone to date for the next few months. But it's really just a place for hipster booty calls like nightclubs, Starbucks and the genius bar at the Apple store. If you happen to be a member and you are over 40 they treat you like someone's parent and keep asking you if you'd rather be sitting down.

Match.com (and probably eHarmony) is like a giant middle class rave. Everybody who is anybody is there and the party goes on all night long. The only drawback is that the majority of people who show interest in you are scammers or foreigners in Avatar who want something from you besides companionship, and no sooner do you get to talking to them they are hustled away by security. Seriously - within hours of joining I had fistfulls of winks thrown at me and over a gazillion (approximate) IM requests and 100% of those profiles were shutdown and unavailable less than an hour after they showed up. It's just as well though, because if you party with any of those freaks you're likely to end up with a bar tab in the thousands, a wall size painting of Gotye, and no memories of the night before. At least there are plenty of normal people too.

Plenty of Fish. Holy cow. This is like dating at the county fair, or the worlds largest dive bar just down the street from the red light district. Everyone in town is there (including the mayor) and vestigial limbs, missing teeth, and bizarre fetishes abound. If you don't mind paying for a little sumthin sumthin, or would like a quick roll in the hay with lord knows what, the skeezy guy over by the payphone can totally hook you up, and yes there is a payphone, and yes, it works. But it is possible to find the cute little housewife playing ball toss before 9 p.m. who would really just like a sane conversation with someone over 12 before heading home to unload the dishwasher and do laundry. So that's cool...

Craigs List. C'mon seriously? No way - and I don't answer personals in Westword either. Sheesh...

Cat Chat

Every morning my cat says to me: "Just feed me for God's sake and quit trying to pet my soft little head!"

and I'm like "Dude!"

Every. Morning. I think that we need to have a sit down to review the Rights and Responsibilities portion of her contract...

Toying with Minors #4

My son and I were downtown last week and we saw a construction crane working at a building site. He looks up at me with his sweet little face and asks

"Dad? What are Cranes made out of?"

"They are made from Cranium son." I stated authoritatively.

He looks at me, puzzled, and says

"I thought that's what human heads were made from."

"No way." I scoffed. "Skulls are made from steel. Everybody knows that!"

Living the Dream

If I owned a fire truck I'd fill the cab with life size teddy bears and drive around town with the siren on. ALL NIGHT LONG.

Chimp Skills

I always make my chimp Austin wire up my C4 detonators, but not because it's too dangerous for a human. He's just better at it.

Arctic Squirrels

Arctic squirrels are pretty cool. Because of their physiology they can take extreme cold and heat. In contrast, tropical squirrels are pretty much wusses.

Some Zookeepers are Assholes

If you want to piss off a zookeeper just give the koala bear a stick of butter. Works every time. 

Cheap Live Squirrels

I was downtown yesterday and saw a vending machine for live squirrels. Except they were all dead. What gives?!

The Simple Joys of Magnetism

Turns out that my step sister is remarkably open to suggestion if I put a really strong magnet near her head. Today we're robbing a bank! :)

Johnny Law Intrudes

Not only is hunting squirrels with a bow and arrow damn near impossible, it's apparently illegal within city limits. :(

Life in a small town #12

So I have this large broadsword in an umbrella stand by the front door. A couple of weeks ago my daughter had a slumber party and the next day, when one of the dads came to pick up his kid he sees it there and says

"Hey, nice sword. What do you use that thing for?"

"Oh that?" I say. "That's for stabbing people."

Dude literally recoiled backwards about a foot. So I'm thinking to myself "WTF?! Did you think it was for spreading butter?!" 

Sometimes I wonder about my neighbors...

I beg to differ...

Productive Weekend!

This weekend I repaired the back flow valve on my sprinkler system and brought a notorious gang of wheelchair thieves to justice. If this keeps up I'll have a green lawn and a crime free village by summer! Yay!

Parental Stress Innoculation

I'm currently running my parents through a variety of Stress Innoculation Exercises, because it's about damn time. If all goes as planned, in 6 months nothing I say will surprise them.

Old Weird Harold

True Story: There is a very large jumping spider that lives in our living room. He comes out and watches the TV whenever it's on (seems to prefer 70's reruns), and the kids have named him Old Weird Harold. Just now, I'm on the couch with my laptop and Harold and I are watching the Dukes of Hazzard, when he turns to me and says:

"Dude! Chill!" - and I was just like, sitting there. 

I think that guy can be kind of a jerk sometimes...

The Simple Wisdom of Little Ones

My son told me today that the one thing he wants to do before he dies is become immortal...

Patent System? What Patent System?

An exercise in analogy

I can't help but notice in reading current commentary regarding the ongoing Patent Wars (and the dysfunctional patent system) that observers are constantly reaching for apocalyptic analogies to describe the events unfolding. Words like Detante, and ideas like Mutually Assured Destruction are offered with increasing frequency. Is this language not relevant? Or is it merely itself analogous to the cries of doomed passengers as the train they are riding rushes towards a gaping ravine. Will the train stop in time? I guess that it's just a matter of inertia...

Harmless Desires Yo

Just sayin: If I had the ability to manipulate space and matter I would use it to make lots of unicorns (in a variety of fashionable colors), and to ensure that all human infants had wings until the age of 3.

I'm Not Bitter, I Just Want to Cuddle Ants

The thing that human babies and ants have in common is that they both try to bite me when I pick them up. I don't know why...

Psycho Cats

Did you ever notice how psychotic a cat could be? They’re normal like - 95% of the time, and then BAM! Freakin nuts! All over the place!

From here on out I plan to adopt this approach towards life...

The Conundrum

Today I realized my friend Neal isn't really a hipster. He actually LIKES the band on his T-Shirt. Maybe he's emo ...

WTF Haiku

A tricksy photog
will put grease on a ladder,
then patiently wait.

Groups of little boys are a danger to themselves and groups of little girls are a danger to others. 

Parenting note:

A small child's agenda, if allowed to proceed to it's logical conclusion, will typically result in a police car, a firetruck, or an ambulance. 

On certain occasions - all three.

WTF Haiku

Ten dollar helmet
worn on a two dollar head.
The Wal-Mart riots.

I was eating lunch outside in Downtown Denver yesterday when this disheveled and funny looking guy goes by waving at the sky and yelling. About 5 minutes later another guy goes by doing the same thing, except he's wearing an expensive suit and is well groomed. The only other difference between them (besides the clothes) is a bluetooth headset. So I found myself wondering - if there was a fire, and I could only save one of those dudes, which one would it be?

It's a good thing that dogs and cats can't talk, because if they could my kids would argue with the pets constantly.

I realized yesterday that it was a waste of time eating the squirrels in city park because it takes so much more energy to catch them than you get from eating them (on account of their street smarts).I'm going to need a better plan...

Have you ever heard the phrase "Act like a dumbsh*t and they'll treat you like an equal"? While this may be especially true for places like Greeley CO, in other places you have to be careful because sometimes if you act like a dumbsh*t, you'll be treated as one. Just sayin...

You can find many things to serve as a weapon in a fish market, but a small halibut is not one of them.

WTF Haiku

Too many tourists,
and cyclists, buzzing around.
The lampost revolts.

.

Flinging weasels at a moving car is like jousting with a swimming noodle.

About 10 years ago, before they poured the driveway at my lair house I buried a small watertight cannister of C4 with a battery powered detonator underneath it. In case I had to like ... disable the driveway or something. Well now its time to change the damn battery and it turns out I'm going to have to tear up that entire section of concrete just to get to it. For a 10 dollar lithium battery. DOH!

Screw wireless - that's my new motto when it comes to detonators. From here on out I'm going to hardwire whenever possible. It's just simpler, and a damn sight cheaper.

My daughter drew stick figures in the dirt and brought them to life. They began to argue almost immediately

There is a large red stain on the entry carpet at the front door. I don't know where it came from, it just was kind of there one day. Creepy right? Whenever we get salesmen or proselytizers I stand with the door open and shift my eyes between them and the stain as they are giving their pitch. When they are done I say: "Come on in, stand right here," - gesturing at the stain - "and don't move." 

Usually they decline.

This works even better if I happen to be holding skin moisturizer or duct tape at the time...

Some problems need to be solved with a flamethrower, others with shampoo. 

Knowing the difference is critical.

WTF Haiku


Interstellar God
stands out like a hero should.
Why David Blaine? Why?!

On Creativity:
It's hard to tell if something you're working on is going to be kick ass or not.

But you can always tell if it's going to be half assed.

Life's Little Lessons:

I had a friend that owned a poker playing chimpanzee. The chimp's name was Austin. Austin could beat just about everybody I knew at the game, because Austin was the best damn cheater I've ever seen. He palmed, counted, and bluffed like a pro. Once he even put his cigar out on a mans hand to distract him. He was an asshole monkey, but he was our asshole monkey and he was worth a gold mine!

Sadly, in the end, he died in a car accident. He wasn't driving but he had been drinking. I still miss him...

Moral of the story:
The only thing cooler than a poker playing chimp is a belligerent poker playing chimp who cheats!